There are many reasons why a child may not be behaving properly. A young child may show difficult behaviour because they’re tired, hungry, overexcited, bored or frustrated. While most children will go through a phase where they push the limits, if the problem behaviour is causing distress - to you, the child or the rest of the family - it’s important you address it.
Children will go through a number of different phases during development. As they become more independent, both toddlers and adolescents will challenge you and experiment with how far they can push it. Don’t worry though - this behaviour will usually ease as they grow up. Children will typically learn how to behave as they go through school, with the help of parents, carers and teachers.
New emotions can also catch children unawares, and so they don’t always know how to process their feelings and react in a more challenging way. While a child will occasionally lose their temper or have an aggressive, destructive outburst, it’s not normally a cause for concern.
However, if the problem behaviour continues for a long time, or the child or other members of the family are being affected by the behaviour, extra help may be needed.
As a parent, it can be hard to admit that you may need some extra help in managing your child. If your child is showing aggressive behaviour and lashing out, you may be reluctant to talk about it - with anyone. You may feel ashamed of your child’s behaviour and not want to discuss it, out of fear of being judged. But keeping it to yourself can be very lonely. For the benefit of the child, yourself and the rest of the family, it’s important you seek support as soon as possible.
Behavioural problems can occur in children of all ages. Some may only experience minor difficulties, while others may have more serious behaviour problems, such as conduct disorder. If you’re worried about a child, consider the following:
Behaviour problems can affect a child’s development and in some cases, affect their ability to live a normal life. This is a sign of a more serious behaviour problem, called conduct disorder.
A child with a conduct disorder may be involved in violent, physical fights with other children. They may lie and steal, without showing any remorse or guilt. Children with a conduct disorder may skip school and avoid coming home, staying out all night. Teenagers with a conduct disorder may start taking more risks with their health, such as drug and alcohol abuse.
In younger children, where the behaviour problems are happening within the home, they may be diagnosed with having ODD (oppositional defiant disorder).
Conduct disorder can be very distressing for the child and their family. The child may find it difficult to make friends and struggle to understand social situations. They may be highly intelligent, yet find school difficult and therefore show anger and blame others in order to cope.
There is no single cause of conduct disorder, but there are a number of factors believed to increase the likelihood of a child developing the behaviour problem. For example:
Dealing with behaviour problems and recognising any related difficulties is important and can give your child a better chance for the future. Treatment will depend on the severity of the problem, age and circumstance of your child, but can include home-based support, such as parenting groups, school support and specialist services, such as counselling.
Many children with behaviour problems will find school difficult, so classroom support may be beneficial. Contact the school to learn what services are available. They may be able to provide your child with extra support in lessons, or individual help to develop social skills.
If you’re worried about your child’s health and behaviour, professional support is available. You can visit your GP for advice, who may be able to refer you to the local child and adolescent mental health services (CAMHS). Specialists in child behaviour and health can help to assess the behaviour and suggest ways they can improve. Alternatively, you can look for a private counsellor.
Counselling can give you and your child the space you need to talk about what’s going on, without fear of judgement. Treatment methods may include talking therapy and behavioural therapy, which help your child express how they’re feeling and learn how to cope with their emotions in a safe, effective way.
Sometimes, problem behaviour can be managed at home, without the need for professional support. As a parent, there are a number of things you can do to address the behaviour.
Don’t give up - Seek support from your friends, family or another parent. Talking about the situation can not only help you feel less alone but also see things in a new light.
Be consistent - Be consistent in how you react to their behaviour. If you react in one way, then the next day in another, you will confuse your child and they won’t understand why it’s wrong.
Stay calm and try not to overreact - It’s easy to let your frustration build up and when overwhelmed, you’re less likely to deal with the situation in the best way. If you’re particularly frustrated, find other ways to cope, like talking to a friend.
Talk to your child - They may have something going on that they’re too scared to talk to you about. Consider what’s going on in their life - bullying, new schools and family changes can make a difference. Ask them why they’re angry or behaving a certain way, and work together to overcome the problem.
Focus on the positives - It’s easy to only focus on the bad behaviour, but forgetting to praise your child for their achievements can have a detrimental effect on their confidence. Tell them why you’re proud of them and remind them that you love them, no matter what.